Thursday, December 15, 2011

Get in my mind .

Feeling left out.
Feeling lonely.
Losing everyone.

 These are just a few of my melodramatic feelings I have been having lately. I know that I shouldn't have these feelings because I have plenty of friends. But, have you ever lost the ones closest to you? Sucks, right? I am starting to obtain new friends, but it just isn't the same.
 To be honest(TBH!?), I lost the person who was the absolute closest to me due to their own changes. They are nothing relative to the same person that I knew so well. This friend of mine changed their way of living and now seem to never have emotions. They are never serious. Yes, I may seem this way, but this was the one person I opened up to, who in return,  opened up to me. I have never been so close to someone. It tears me apart thinking that I will never  be on this level of friendship with them ever again. The worst part? I don't know why this happened to them. For some reason I just can't let go and continuously hope this heartfelt and outstanding personality will come back. I know this won't happen though.I just keep having faith , and still will forever..and..ever.. This will never leave me.
 I'm not only feeling this from one friends , I feel like I am losing the next two friends closest to me. This is for completely different reasons though. I love them both beyond belief, but could never open up to them. Now, I feel like they have no care as to what I am doing or to even be in my life. I may be acting dramatic, but who knows? I'll just wait on them too.
 People say that sitting around waiting won't get you anywhere, but I think differently. I think it shows you how much people really do care. Sometimes we need the reminder that people do still care and will come around. Hence why I am waiting and will in the future.
 I am not friendless; I know I have friends. I just don't have any friends that I consider a "best friend" or can even consider myself very close to. I can't remember time last time I fully let someone know everything I was thinking and feeling. I feel like I will never obtain this type of friendship again, and it's what I need.
 I think due to this feeling and losing those closest to me, I feel left out and unwanted. I am in college and am meeting new friends, but they all knew each other already and know each other inside and out. I want to be on their level, but can't and know I never can. Friendship is such a precious thing to me and losing it kills me. I just don't have anyone I can completely open up to and feel completely comfortable being myself around. Maybe it's insecurity? Maybe I am just pushing everyone away. Either way, I hate it. I know things won't change. I know this is a pessimistic attitude too. Although, I know that it's true. Given my situation, there's nothing I can do. I can't help that no one considers me the closest friend or "best friend" to them. I just need to learn to face my biggest fear; loneliness.