I've lost myself.

Have you ever felt like you’re Chuck (Tom Hanks) in Cast Away? Completely lost, stranded, like you’ve lost your sanity and your only friend is a Wilson volleyball? Well, that’s kind of how I feel…except the volleyball would be my stuffed bear, Cuddles, whom I adore sincerely. I know I have kept to myself the past few months. You’re lucky if I text you, call you or even talk to you on Facebook. So, here’s my excuse.

I have completely lost myself. I couldn't tell you who I am nor who I was. I couldn’t tell you if I’m happy, sad, lonely, or satisfied. I couldn’t tell you who I consider my friends seeing as I avoid mostly everyone. I couldn't tell you why this has happened but I can tell you that I don't plan on making an effort to fix this. I wouldn’t know where to begin. 

I’m extremely lost and just hope than one day my cargo ship will pass by and take me back to myself, my emotions, and civilization. There is one thing I do know; all the friendships I have ruined through this will never be the same or will never be existent again. Who am I to be selfish enough to burn bridges and then proceed to try to rebuild a friendship that can never be built with the same structure and exquisiteness?   That’s just absurd.

You have to love this guy.

Poster number 4/25 hand-made by Christopher Gutierrez. He's the most inspiring person I know. Look him up and read his books.

College: where the alcoholism begins.

After seeing these lovely photos, please tell me.. 

what’s so great about drinking? 

I do have to admit, they are hilarious. While being hilarious, they’re also super embarrassing. I bet you wouldn’t want to be the next one posted on my blog while drunk, would you? Exactly.

Some of you may be reading this and be thinking; “Cool Mindy, way to contradict yourself. YOU DRINK.”. To correct you, I haven’t been in college.

Most people don’t believe me when I tell them this, but it’s true.

Yes, I had my point of life where I hosted the parties and was, to say the least, a shit-show. 

Well, I’ve grown up. 

I don’t really feel the need to get wasted anymore. I recently moved to Columbus and just have lost the urge or want to. I’d just simply rather not. For multiple reasons. These reasons being listed below.

1.       Once again, look back up at those pictures…okay….next.

2.       It KILLS your liver. Care for yourself! 

 3.       I would rather be in control of my body and my actions.

4.       I also prefer to be able to walk on my own, unlike Paris up above.

5.       Alcohol has SOOO many calories. I’m trying to avoid freshman 15, thank you.

6.       It’s so expensive! I’m a poor college kid. Spending my cash at Whole Foods is more important to me.

7.       I prefer to eat my food...Not puke it up.

8.       Alcohol doesn’t even taste good…so…yeah…

9.       I can have fun sober.

10.   It shows a side of you that no one wants to see.

11.   Lastly, look at the pictures again…do you want to be them!? Ew. Trashy.

Now, I’m not telling you to go straightedge. (But if you do, props to you.) I am just showing the disadvantages of alcohol…while there aren’t really any advantages.

I have to admit, I do have the occasional drink here and there to be social, but I don’t get anywhere close to plastered or wasted. That’s just gross.

I am perfectly fine with watching the shit-show/hot mess happen around me. It keeps me entertained and makes me feel good about myself.

As Drake once said, “I just wanna be successful.” I put my school work before my social life because that’s what is most important to me right now. Even if it means doing homework on a Saturday night.

So, next time you go to grab the bottle; think about those pictures up above…

Do you really want to be viewed like that?

Get in my mind .

Feeling left out.

Feeling lonely.

Losing everyone.

 These are just a few of my melodramatic feelings I have been having lately. I know that I shouldn't have these feelings because I have plenty of friends. But, have you ever lost the ones closest to you? Sucks, right? I am starting to obtain new friends, but it just isn't the same.

 To be honest(TBH!?), I lost the person who was the absolute closest to me due to their own changes. They are nothing relative to the same person that I knew so well. This friend of mine changed their way of living and now seem to never have emotions. They are never serious. Yes, I may seem this way, but this was the one person I opened up to, who in return,  opened up to me. I have never been so close to someone. It tears me apart thinking that I will never  be on this level of friendship with them ever again. The worst part? I don't know why this happened to them. For some reason I just can't let go and continuously hope this heartfelt and outstanding personality will come back. I know this won't happen though.I just keep having faith , and still will forever..and..ever.. This will never leave me.

 I'm not only feeling this from one friends , I feel like I am losing the next two friends closest to me. This is for completely different reasons though. I love them both beyond belief, but could never open up to them. Now, I feel like they have no care as to what I am doing or to even be in my life. I may be acting dramatic, but who knows? I'll just wait on them too.

 People say that sitting around waiting won't get you anywhere, but I think differently. I think it shows you how much people really do care. Sometimes we need the reminder that people do still care and will come around. Hence why I am waiting and will in the future.

 I am not friendless; I know I have friends. I just don't have any friends that I consider a "best friend" or can even consider myself very close to. I can't remember time last time I fully let someone know everything I was thinking and feeling. I feel like I will never obtain this type of friendship again, and it's what I need.

 I think due to this feeling and losing those closest to me, I feel left out and unwanted. I am in college and am meeting new friends, but they all knew each other already and know each other inside and out. I want to be on their level, but can't and know I never can. Friendship is such a precious thing to me and losing it kills me. I just don't have anyone I can completely open up to and feel completely comfortable being myself around. Maybe it's insecurity? Maybe I am just pushing everyone away. Either way, I hate it. I know things won't change. I know this is a pessimistic attitude too. Although, I know that it's true. Given my situation, there's nothing I can do. I can't help that no one considers me the closest friend or "best friend" to them. I just need to learn to face my biggest fear; loneliness.

Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones.

Have you ever heard the song "Fix You" by Coldplay? If not, get on youtube and listen to it now.

I had forgotten about this song until recently when I was listening to Pandora and came across it.

To start off, this song describes my life. I always will be there for anyone; no matter who you are or what you have done. ALWAYS. I don't care if I don't even know you, I am here for you. Everyone has their own life story and hardships that come along with it. Although, not everyone has that one person to be there for them through anything at anytime. That's where I will come in hand, "I will try to fix you". I can't guarantee that I will fix or solve all of your problems because that is just unrealistic; but I will try my hardest. 

I have personally felt more lonely than I ever have, and have been dwelling over my life. Then I realized, things will never get better if I just sit here and cry in my bed; it's time to fix myself since no one else can. I know that I have not "fixed" myself, but I am getting there. I still can't say that I love my life, but my attitudes towards it are progressing. I get out of bed hoping for the best; not the worst. As silly as this may seem, it's all true. I understand what it is like to feel like no one is there to catch your tears, listen to your problems, or try to fix things. It is literally the worst feeling in the world and it can eat you alive if you let it. But, I didn't. I won't let you either. Once again, I am here to help anyone in any situation. I have no restrictions causing me to not be there to help someone when they need it. 

I know most people who need someone to talk to, won't talk to me. I am okay with that, I just hope that you know I am here.

A friend of mine recently opened up to me about some of the hardships and problems in his life, and I feel like I have to be there for him, even if i haven't spoken to him in two years. Now, he is one of the few numbers saved into my phone. I know that I can't fix everything in his life and won't know all of the problems he is battling. All in all, he knows I am here for him, and that reassurance is all a person needs. I have delt with it first hand. 

Finally, when you listen to Fix You, know that when the tears come streaming down your face, I will try to fix you.